Chatroulette

As one of the world’s greatest procrastinators I am always looking for another new way to waste some of my time. Not content with days spent in front of YouTube, Sidereel and Facebook, the discovery of Chatroulette initially seemed to be of what dreams are made. Unfortunately, after only a few minutes my utopian dream of talking all day to gorgeous Scandinavian models was blown away by the online reality of masturbating men with unusually small cocks!

For those of you who are not familiar with the website, the basic idea is to randomly match strangers for an online conversation (often with a mic and webcam) from anywhere in the world. Designed by a 17yr old Russian kid, the site went live in November of 2009 and quickly garnered a lot of public and media attention. Just like other great Russian inventions such as Vodka, the AK-47 and Tetris, Chatroulette takes a seemingly simple idea, adds an easy interface and creates a recipe for chaos!

Chatroulette works from that car crash mentality, which sees you both utterly repulsed and morbidly interested in what’s going on. That is not to say that I like to see fat, hairy, naked men jerking off, but there is always that thought in the back of your mind that the next person you click will be entertaining. Somewhere in the deep recesses of your brain this idea that your missing out on something makes seeing endless douchebags with their hats on backwards seemingly worthwhile. In reality though you get either masturbation, signs asking to flash your boobs, college kids in their dorm rooms listening to Dave Matthews, a person in a stupid mask and occasionally someone smoking a bong. In short it is what the internet is all about..... Porn, drug use, stupidity and fat, annoying, Americans!

As far as I can see then Chatroulette serves only three real purposes. Firstly, as a procrastination tool it is almost without equal. Secondly, it is a quick way to become acquainted with the internet and realise how low humanity has sunk and therefore you get to realise your life isn’t that bad after all. Finally, and in my opinion most importantly (although this only really applies to males or perhaps shemales) you will never worry again that you haven’t been endowed with a large enough penis....seriously if you don’t believe me take a look....

Carbon Neutrality

I was thinking (some might argue a first for me)....and I've never been one to be sucked into this whole Carbon Neutral thing (after all our whole world is made up of Carbon...its not like we're made up of Sulphur or Neon is it)....anyway that wasn't my point....my point is...shouldn't you get Carbon Neutral bonus points for growing a moustache..surely the otherwise waste product (body hair) is expensive to remove, in the former of metallic razor blades, and it would also stop you from eating certain foods, as they'll get stuck in your upper lip and finally on the premise that you are saving energy by heating your upper lip.... If this is the case then I suggest we petition Greenpeace to start a petition....screw Japanese Whaling....Screw Nuclear Waste,Kyoto protocol - boring, Amazon destruction-been doing it for years, endangered species (only if they're cute and cuddly mind you) are just attention seeking organisms (a bit like Rove).....so Greenpeace I say...get your shit together and recognise the Mo for what it is.....a revolutionary way for men to stay Carbon Neutral and save the environment.....now just wait until I come up with an environmental argument to justify the drinking of beer in school playgrounds.....I swear I need to become a policy advisor....

Grimace

I've spent most of the day thinking about it....what the f#*k is 'Grimace'...the big fat purple thing at McDonalds? I mean who the f#*k came up with that idea...I know what we'll do to accompany a child-molesting clown we'll give him a fat purple side kick and name him after spending 3hrs constipated on the toilet.....I mean really is he supposed to represent the fat purple s#*t that clogs your arteries after eating a cheesburger? Or does he represent the look on your face after you've tried to digest the 'nuggets'? I'm not a professional in marketing....but what the f#*k...I get the Hamburgler (he burgles hamburgers), birdy (shes a bird) and Ronald, yeah sure he's a child-molesting paedo escaped from jail and now doing kids parties whilst trying to fatten them up at the same time.....but really Grimace!!! I mean I may as well call a character...buttplug or crustyknob.....maybe I just have too much spare time on my hands.....